failure

'The philosopher Heraclitus famously said that you can never step in the same river twice. What he meant was that a river is always in flux, so the precise arrangement of water that you place your foot in will never be the same.'

I am going through or dealing with exam failure, and it is just sooo ugh *screams*

Whatever the philosopher said, I really felt it last night, when I was tapping into my feelings about this (failing my AKP exam) and its implications. Now I am just like, they really do be just talking philosophers... 

People who create are blessed because they get to process things in a controlled way or in a just adjacent to the issue way, such that they get overconsumed by the art they are burying themselves in vs. the actual issue.

What am I feeling? 

Bummed out 

No surprised 

Super inconvenienced 

I am not really dreading revision but dreading it at the same time 

£635.00 wa me wa mogolo ruri

A lot like Annalise when they kept attacking her from all angles ( I have even started wearing my hair like her)

Feeling like this is doable 

Just ughh...

I know this is such a common occurrence in the world of post-graduate exams. Still, my sneaky mind is already burning me at the stake with its silly attributions (hewe hewe, unserious, blah blah fail again)... but we are getting there. 

I have to say that knowing the outcome is much better than the torture of waiting, especially when you know there is a high possibility that you failed. 

There is some shame; I feel ashamed, especially regarding my colleagues, whom I have yet to inform about. For a two-week study leave to then come and fail is sooo...  But otherwise, the world keeps spinning.

I feel like I needed to write the exam to know what it requires from me. The study revision platform grossly underrepresented it, and my knowledge was as shallow as anything. Round two ke ba shapa ka deeper learning, focusing on high-yield topics, and staying positive. Today ke badile ka neuroblastoma. 

Moving house, starting a new job, and whatever else I was doing didn't help with my revision and staying calm efforts.

 Such a bloody shame as I really had plans for my money. 

The last time I felt this stung by failure was when I failed my driving test. The evidence here is that I can do it with a bit more practice and positivity (I passed my driving test on the second try)... I know of all that evidence, but it is such a blow to one's confidence.. so pray for me, girlies!

Sending good vibes to you all x 

*sigh*