22.3.23
The current state of things... yhuuu somandla!! That is me channeling SA Twitter btw. There is this poem, it is called 'the weighing'... Let me look it up.
The Weighing
Jane Hirshfield - 1953
The heart's reasons
seen clearly,
even the hardest
will carry
its whip-marks and sadness
and must be forgiven.
As the drought-starved
eland forgives
the drought-starved lion
who finally takes her,
enters willingly then
the life she cannot refuse,
and is lion, is fed,
and does not remember the other.
So, few grains of happiness
measured against all the dark
and still the scales balance.
The world asks of us
only the strength we have and we give it.
Then it asks more, and we give it.
I genuinely feel like I am constantly living out the last two stanzas?? Bathong...go thata and ke lapile, and it's relentless and not in I am suicidal kinda way, just like my resilience is waning, waning!
And I know I could have it worse, but I could also have it better, and I need it better.
What's got me sad?
Cost of living crises
It's mad. Mad! Sadly, my salary stopped being competitive in August of 2012. I will now have to do gang shifts to have a sensible savings account and be comfortable. Even thinking of selling my body for less than £50/hr... (Locum rates should be upwards of £80/hr according to our union but o itse the NHS). This is unsustainable, truly. They need to reverse whatever caused this. Side point: I'm super angsty about locums in a place I haven't worked clinically in before... they do electronic prescribing, and I feel like a boomer when I think about navigating the electronic system.
Editing me: Yeah, crises! Not just a crisis...
I haven't been able to get a visa appointment to see my man. Purgatory.
If I make a killing with the locums, I am paying £350 to those slithering agents. Nope... that is the cost of the trip, and well, this is my stance; NO! We will do the phone sex. And it's not fair to me because Karabo really reduces my stress levels, and yeah...
I feel really ungood at my job.
Yeah... especially with the new program I am supposed to be leading. Flopped harder than that movie of human-sized cats. The feedback is okay... but I need good feedback...a little assurance from who-knows-I-don't-know.
In the same breath, medical education has saved me...I love students. I love learning to go on and share my learnings with them. I like learning from them. I wish things were as good for them as they were for me. I wish they got more time with consultants and came into welcoming clinical teams. But yes...I feel like I suck at work, and yeah...
Professionally I am in the mud... probably getting fossilized by now.
I am likely not getting a training job this year. My performance in interviews was just atrocious. In this other one, I ranked like 2000/3000 or something like that. What happened to being brilliant?? To be honest, my prep wasn't the greatest, so the takeaway is that I will do more practice interviews in the future and even pay for them.
If I don't get a job... I am going to Plymouth....heard their locum rates are pretty decent. Hopefully, I will do better in training applications next year.
My last essay submission was also... garbage. So yeah...
So yeah... straight up not having a fun time ... I hope my car passes its MOT.
Please get me money or an ASOS voucher and words of affirmation or encouragement for my birthday.
I am probably doing better than I think (i.e., the scales continue to balance), but this is my felt (reminding me of my last module; felt expressed, normative needs in training needs analysis) is my felt/ lived experience. I would like (NEED) a white flag/life jacket/olive branch type thing from God/ Khumo (my late grandma, she better work...but she was so worn by the end... maybe she should focus on resting) and the Cosmos.
I hung out with my loves on the weekend - that was balming to the soul. I hope I get more... I like my new house/room, so yes, the scales are trying to balance. Words will keep us alive (see insert).
Love and light, x
PS: the quality of my writing has plummeted; I am very sorry.
not sure about us lessining their deprivation but i mostly agree with the poet
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