Who knew ??? Really lucky girl I am.

Hello,

Hello from Heathrow! Deep in my core, I am not a traveller; I just know it. The anxiety I get from travelling!!! I once lost my passport in transit - TRANSIT, in a non-English speaking country, and yeah... I had my expired passport on me, which is how I got home in the end. That is to say, I have seen it all, and I am not interested in any of it, really. But yeah, I am going home now, and I have already had an L. Luckily, British Airways was like, 'Nah.... you go home, it's on us!' and on a more direct flight! So yeah, I am very lucky, given that I booked this via an agent and all that. However, could I have gotten more ?? Does this increase my risk of losing my bag ?? Find out in the next episode of vlogmas!! I think this is my last time booking flights using agents, very last time but Jesus, why am I not from Ireland or something? How am I meant to pay £1500 (legitimate sites and with the notice I can often get with my work leave process) each time I go home? Is this a coming-of-age thing ?? Is this me finally seeing the wood from the trees and realising gore yeah no maaaan? About everything?

What else? I have a certain put-togetherness and femininity that I lack, and I am constantly aware of that. And obviously, fuck the standards, but I wanna feel and look pretty, in myself for myself..at least most of the time. Like, I am in an airport right, and I look like...God, I don't know what. When will it stop?? Why do I care? What is stopping me from participating? I will start with time and money...and, I guess, a certain level of not accepting my new(hardly) 'fuller/fatter' body...but it honestly went downhill when I stopped having regular access to hairdressers. Also, moving man...storage is such a big issue and obviously the economy. Those two years we spent wearing just scrubs also did me no favour. The real me who knows me is probably like..."yeah yeah...heard this before, and nothing came out of it, and well... if you aren't doing something about it, maybe keep quiet?' And she is right. 

Yesterday I went shopping; I was overwhelmed or underwhelmed by my usual ZARA. I never bother with MANGO coz what in the flimsiness?... Girl?! So I went to COS. Background, my old line manager, this charismatic, really good at everything and just downright amazing lady, shops at COS and probably at independent boutiques too. I guess whenever I entertain the thought of COS... I think, "Yes, be more like Susan!' Also, COS feels like a good middle ground between horrible quality Zara and the out-this-world prices tsa bo REISS, BOSS etc... And it felt like... all I wanted it to feel. I didn't even spend that much...So maybe COS is my new go-to place. I had to return the jeans as they weren't quite right but overall a successful shop...or so I'd like to think. 

So, in summary, 

- I do not like flying or travelling...mostly flying. 

- I am a COS girlie now 

- I am going home 

There is probably a lot more in my head, but this is all I can decant for now. This is probably not my best one, but hey...consistency or whatever the gurus said. 

Love and light, x