the in between

I am such a terrible sleeper. It becomes a million times worse when I get anxious. I think baby and I will end up getting separate bedrooms (if we ever live together) because I struggle to fall asleep, struggle to remain asleep and I wake up absurdly early on most days. I wouldn't want to co-sleep with someone like that, besides, there is also the sporadic snoring which is very frustrating when you can't sleep. 

So how am I? Well, first of all, I am typing on a Pro which feels really good. I might get it for myself when I become financially sound again. I said 'when' and not 'if' - good progress with keeping a positive mindset haha. I decided to start my next job a month later, that automatically means no salary. Although, I did do some bank shifts prior and got £2k this month. I was meant to go home but due to the increased cost of hotel quarantine and everything else, I cancelled on the day of the flight and that set me back £600. I am actually meh about it honestly, and I'd probably do it again.

Due to the possibly going home mess, I cancelled my old tenancy and decided to come off the doctor bankroll. (Actually, the fan on this laptop is pretty loud - I don't like that). Which meant no home and no means of income (temporarily). I have therefore been living off my savings - which just means mostly freeloading from my boyfriend, lodging in his room and I am going crazy over everything. Not being in my own space is hard, not being in my own space for this long? Terrible. I also feel I have overstayed and I am uncomfortable in the common spaces of the shared home, furthering my misery. 'Oh, she may be weary. And young girls they do get weary.' I am not sure I fit the 'young girl' criteria though. 

Relocating is expensive, relocating to a more expensive place is just mental. This move feels so uncalculated and I am high key disappointed in myself, but what are we going to do about that? It all feels very deja vu-y, house issues (another story of its own), visa woes, but I wanted this. Initially to be closer to my man but also I needed change, and change is expensive kids. [Proofreading me; I applied to anywhere that would give me a teaching fellow job, literally even the Isle of Man, so yeah - didn't just move for my man, although there is no shame in that, but that was not the case here, thank you.]

I think my mind is always trying to show me that my problems are trivial and I have had worse before,  (which is a lie, I have had a pretty standard mostly problem-free life). By that I mean; I am over it.  Whatever will be will be. I am still anxious but I have so much to do; my research project, my teaching qualification course things, buy furniture, mourn the end of summer, get my license, replenish my savings, love my boyfriend, start a new job, get back in the groove of my life so I really can't afford any more time to listless worrying. That is basically me in a nutshell. 

PS

Felt so good writing this, how very main character of me lol.