Slow It Down

Hello,

I wasn't gonna do this until I saw this. A completely devoid sentence, but I guess that is my style of writing, and talking to be honest. Honestly, I live on Twitter, so I was bound to stumble upon it I guess. I love being loved, it is only right that I write something for you guys. I am actually working on my essay, the ghetto. Honestly, what the hell?! I am doing a postgraduate research module and well there is an essay. I do not like essays. The prime of my writing skills was back in junior school. I wasn't even that great then, the teacher just liked me...so I am in big trouble. But yeah, I am writing 2000 words on focus groups, WELP. Like...why is the theory of everything hard?!

Anyway, hello. How are you guys?

Well, myself. Phew, it is not been too good. I am going through a heartbreak (LOL) - but I am. Because of that I am reading The Nectar Of Pain. I can relate now lol, the universe hey. I have debated for a while whether or not this should be publicised. I remember something from Americanah about how bloggers are always searching for content in weird life experiences and personal relationships and how that is cringe...and here I am. So the story; I was in a pseudorelationship for the last ?three weeks. I went on dates, drives, had good morning text messages, the full monty and look at where that landed me; in pain. To be honest, it is my fault, I should have not fallen so hard over such a short period of time. I didn't actually fall fall, I just opened my heart and now I am being ghosted. And it hurts. It is so bad, I have cleared the chat on Whatsapp and downloaded Tinder again. I am not gonna do anything on Tinder, I am just coping. I have a few theories about why it went wrong. One, religion, his, not mine and I understand. Two, I was asked on a few occasions to be a girlfriend and I think my responses were somewhere along the lines of 'what  exactly does that mean??' and 'does that mean I won't be single anymore?' I think he believes I am nonchalant. Imagine! Me! Nonchalant ?! Three, work/exam stress. Four, I genuinely believe he might have a wife and kids, or at least a very serious partner (this of course, is a realisation I made later on, in light of all this. I don't believe I would have entertained him if I caught such vibes at the start. Or would I have?).

So yeah, I have had a few cry sessions. And just blue days about this but...we move! Honestly, I don't know how much of this is real and how much of it is in my head...you know, me wanting to relate to the #sadghelzworldwide movement. What made the end/grieving slightly more challenging was that no one actually knew about it. My housemate did, but I was very nonchalant about it so I guess she trivialised it. So there was no one to be sad about it to. Two, I myself, was ambivalent about it. So why the sudden fake display of emotion you ask? I don't know. Three, it really wasn't a relationship. Four, I am normally the one that does the ghosting - this medicine is very bitter. I hate it. I hate that I was so hopeful. I was finally gonna have an adult relationship and have lunches at work with loml, and maybe move in together lol. The heavens just wouldn't have it. So yeah... send me money, I am hurting. (It is the morning after and I am so embarrassed that I typed all this, eww.)

Anyway...moving swiftly on. We are moving house! Our current house is really nice (beautiful, spacious, in a lovely complex and near work - see I used descriptive words, I am becoming a better writer lol), but our landlord/agency are just horrible, the embodiment of incompetence. So we are moving, further away from work. Not particularly feeling anything about the new house (could be the heartbreak lol. I am so self-absorbed. Or that I am paying rent twice this month, sigh). And I think my housemate is feeling my vibe and is lowkey annoyed at me. I do promise myself to decorate my new room, and give it a me kind of feeling, whatever that is. I am getting new sheets and pillows, and a plant and maybe even a vision board. I really thought I'd be those girls or boys man but sigh...I will try though, otherwise what is the reason? Oh and candles, please buy me Yankee candles. My one is finished and well...I am sad.

Goodbye my old house <3

My December leave request has not been approved yet, so cry with me beloveds. To be honest it is all my fault, I might have left it a little late. Otherwise, I really like work, I like my ward (shocking the things grief will do to you). I am coming to the end of this rotation and I am nostalgic already.  The pay is good, the medicine is great, and I learn so much on the daily. I am going to paediatrics next. I am worried I might not like it, I am scared I am gonna miss adult patients and my pay is gonna be like at least four hundred pounds or so less - because there will be no weekends or on call shifts. So the ghel is very disturbed. Above all, there is so much pressure on this next rotation to be amazing because I believe I want to do paediatrics for life...so yeah.

In the grand scheme of things I am really okay. I have started saving money and tracking my finances. My hair is growing well (it is really the one thing that never disappoints) and I am making great strides at learning how to flat twist my hair. I think my family are okay. I miss my friends dearly, especially Miss Winnie. Like I was thinking, maybe the reason I fell so hard for the man was because for a moment the loneliness left?? Gosh, they are days when I just comeback and feel so alone, and the weekends feel extra long and extra quiet, and it is dark and wet outside and bleghhh. Buuttt I am not gonna let winter get to me. Never (in Dwight K Schrute's voice)!!!

If I finish this essay by tomorrow and submit the draft, I might go to Manchester. Actually, I am going to go.  The Lumineers have a gig there. I am debating whether or not I wanna go so I guess I am gonna go, hence the title of the blog...'slow it down Angie go back to bed, rest your arms and rest your legs'. I also wanna see the Christmas markets and buy a hot dog or something lol. Ideally, I wouldn't do this alone. However, if I don't go I'd just be sad and bored at home...so I guess I'd rather be sad, lonely and probably cold in Manchester. Something has to give...I am working seven days next week so I need something to give.

Yeah that is it.

Oh my gosh, I got my glossbomb engraved in Harvey Nichols whilst in London last week and well... love and light. I really love that phrase despite the negativity around it. It is just so perfect for these times man. We all need love and we all need light.

And this is from my date day with Gase, go on dates guys, with friends, lovers or on your own...it is nice <3

Love and light,

x

PS
1. I used too many lols on here so I am really in pain.
2. I really don't wanna talk about it.
3. If you wanna take my socials' passwords so I can go away and process this, please hmu lol.
4. Sorry this is such a long post.