June afternoon

Been watching the Tipsy Truth Podcast...can you tell I am in a procrastination mood? An old episode though, I do not like story time videos. My elective poster was getting text heavy and I just..sigh. Also, I skipped school today, now I regret it. I am bored, I haven’t showered and well yeah. I was meant to go to the hair salon today but the lady has not said anything yet. I am not calling anyone. Am I the only one that gets overwhelmed when I have to answer a call or make a call? Especially for just social things. Also just can't be bothered to be honest. Anyway, I am due a query date tonight. Mama says I am whore...woo shem. I honestly wouldn't call them date-dates, just meals or drinks with people who had previously shown query romantic interest in me. Umm yeah, I am kinda in limbo, waiting for them to knock off work. I hate waiting. 

Why did I come to write?

Because I am high-key overwhelmed, bored and emotionally feeling weird because: 

My next visa is gonna cost my whole body and I can’t. Please donate to a charitable cause, I am the charitable cause. I am gonna have to get a loan from my parents or friends, I hate debt. Being poor is the ghetto.

I have gained a bit of weight, hardly noticeable probably, but I have. Am I bothered ? Not really, an observation nonetheless. 

I am not ready to not be a student, not ready. Imagine making a decision that affects someone’s aliveness. Imagine. 

Since I have been back home I am feeling a weird 'you are grown up now’ peer pressure feeling. I feel like I should have been married by now and with a house or at least a driver's license. Everyone has a husband, a plot, house, a child and me; I can’t even afford a visa. High-key jealous that people living here live here, they have their mums and dads and can attend funerals and weddings. Also guys, I do not want to have kids, not because of the happenings labour ward (though they are enough to make one celibate for life). I am scared I am gonna feel like this forever. Also terrified that at forty-six I am might regret this decision - it is still a bed I am happy to make and lie on. I am not gonna do anything about the pressure because we don’t move like that (and let's face it, I can't really do much lol), but I hate that I feel it. Also, I feel (mostly from myself), a bit directionless. I wanted to finish my degree and now we are done, my mind is on some ‘then what?’ I know what is coming, at least for the next two years, but I feel a little lost still. I couldn't tell you why. 

On working in Botswana, sigh. Healthcare is in shambles here (at least where I am placed). Imagine dying because you had hyperkalaemia and there were no biochemistry reagents to do renal function tests. Imagine!!! In a whole referral hospital like Sekgoma. Or that there were no cannulas, or that there was no water (haven't seen it but hypothetically) or the x-ray was not working. It is a lot. Too much. Please lobby, make our leaders see these things, we deserve better as a nation. On a more positive note, the hospital staff members are so heaven sent. They deserve all the pay raises in the world. Honestly, they are the ones keeping the whole nation alive and with very little resources. God should bless them abundantly. 

I feel like I am more negative this days, am I ?

I think that is all. I am sorry for not having been writing. I have been in no content creating mood lol. My mood is so liable these days but it’t nothing too serious. Let me get back to this poster. 

Thanks for reading, I hope you are well. Love and light xxx

PS

1. Query; my new fave medicine word. Used in when we are unsure of a diagnosis.

2. The Truth Podcast, highkey like them (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZDZT4QamRs)