Untitled #2
I have no idea what to call this one. I am a medical student, and well I see a lot of death and dying, not actively but I do. Now that I am in community, I see a lot of chronic stuff. Disabling chronic stuff that does not immediately kill and I have been thinking about it a lot. I have discovered I am really no angel. On death, I think I have accepted it is where we are all going and that is fine. I might be saying that because I haven't lost a sibling or a parent. I remember when my uncle died back in 2016, I was not sad he had died. I was sad that I wasn't round my father to be of some comfort. I was crushed that my brother was experiencing his first proper death kind of thing and I wasn't there to hold his hand and maybe cry with him. Maybe it was because my uncle had terminal lung cancer, maybe I would have felt different he was fit and well. Still I was not sad he died because I think I am okay with death.
The thing that I have been thinking about a lot is being a carer. I want to say from the bottom of my heart that I would avail myself to my parents or partner or siblings when they are old, frail and at the terminus but I can't. Heck, I would want them to be there for me too but it feels like such a lot to ask. I do wonder how I would feel if it were my own offspring (that is where I still have question marks in my head). Then I go back to my uncles, and my aunt who took care of them. I have another uncle who died a while ago, I was young but I think it was cancer too. My aunt had been the main carer (with help of course) but she nursed them all the way. In retrospect I think it is unfair or was unfair, I think it was a lot to ask for. I don't know maybe she wanted to and like I said she was not doing it all alone, but still it was her that remained after everyone left to go back to wherever they worked. She has a big heart and it is what family does but still. Maybe I am thinking about it from a point of having options. I'd want to do it but I really don't think I could. In this country it is somewhat better because you get 'paid' and things like respite but still. I have seen carers man, it is a painful sight (physically and mentally), and I know it is not my place to feel sorry for them but I do. It would kill me, in all the ways possible it'd kill me. I always knew I was the type to put people in residential/nursing homes (but also with what money?) but it is kind of a sad fact to admit. It makes me feel compassionless, like I am almost incapable of selfless love but this is where I stand at the moment. Maybe I will change with time.
The thing that I have been thinking about a lot is being a carer. I want to say from the bottom of my heart that I would avail myself to my parents or partner or siblings when they are old, frail and at the terminus but I can't. Heck, I would want them to be there for me too but it feels like such a lot to ask. I do wonder how I would feel if it were my own offspring (that is where I still have question marks in my head). Then I go back to my uncles, and my aunt who took care of them. I have another uncle who died a while ago, I was young but I think it was cancer too. My aunt had been the main carer (with help of course) but she nursed them all the way. In retrospect I think it is unfair or was unfair, I think it was a lot to ask for. I don't know maybe she wanted to and like I said she was not doing it all alone, but still it was her that remained after everyone left to go back to wherever they worked. She has a big heart and it is what family does but still. Maybe I am thinking about it from a point of having options. I'd want to do it but I really don't think I could. In this country it is somewhat better because you get 'paid' and things like respite but still. I have seen carers man, it is a painful sight (physically and mentally), and I know it is not my place to feel sorry for them but I do. It would kill me, in all the ways possible it'd kill me. I always knew I was the type to put people in residential/nursing homes (but also with what money?) but it is kind of a sad fact to admit. It makes me feel compassionless, like I am almost incapable of selfless love but this is where I stand at the moment. Maybe I will change with time.
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