Almost (sweet music)

I am so predictable. Like even when I am revolutionising my life, I will always go back to 'the same besetting sins'. There is this line from a poem called '& forgive us our trespasses' where the author says to God; 'and you know we tried'. God I have really tried, I am constantly trying. Bame once said I catch feelings so easily. Even when someone says 'Hi' to me,  I catch feelings. That maybe true, but those I catch so easily I almost aways forget so easily. I know it may look like I like men/boys, but I actually really don't. I just have this weird obsession state I go into when I develop a crush. Most people(men) I like platonically and that is that. If I have ever sent off vibes, I apologise. Then the real crushes. Purgatory. Suffering. Useless obsession that leads nowhere. And I just will not do it anymore. I have resolved this year that if I have a crush on someone, it should be reasonable (LOL). Not gonna crush off tweets or music uploads or a weird random kiss at the back of a banging club on Christmas eve. Nope. I have also resolved that I am going to boldly approach whomever I have decided to have a crush on within a month of that decision. If I don't I let it all go. I refuse to nurture useless crushes anymore.

Anyway, I still catch feelings so easy. So so easy. I have managed to catch them again. Honestly, let the record reflect that 90% of the people I crush on I base on nothing I can substantiate. Nothing. Always off a whim. This time around though, I was standing under open heavens of just how amazing mans would be to date. However, my life is also plagued by the fact that I have so many friends. I just never wanna ruin the friendships. So leads us back to here. Same rumination, nothing coming from it. I just wish I was bold enough to fuck the friendships. I also wish I was able to read people's minds so I have a vague idea of how the reception might be. I do not fear professional rejection the way I fear being rejected by an MCM. No ma'am! 

And while we are on shooting shots; I think as well as rejection, I am also terrified of positive outcomes. What do I do with them? I was recently talking with a friend about how I really do not what to disturb the equilibrium. I have been single for one year, one month and nine days. I have been really comfortable with it. I mean really lounging. Not letting anyone in or wanting someone else to let me in. I have been spending my weekends getting bored to death and honestly not minding it. With a successful shot comes great responsibility as well as accommodation of the other. That is if you go far (might just crush and burn just at the start). I get something similar to an anxiety attack when I think about the whole thing. I am scared I don't have enough energy, passion and whatever else is required to maintain a successful shot. See the dangers of a comfort zone?? I could do the things and end up joling but no. I insist on writing paragraphs about what could go wrong instead of just trying. 

Ahh another thing, I do not know what I want. I am about to graduate, if I get down to studying eventually. I am possibly spending up to eight years in these hoods, and what if I decide I wanna go to New Zealand for 2 years at some point? What happens with the home I have built from the shot I have shot? If at least my life plan was sorted out and was going to be stable for the next few years then I would be more comfortable. I know you thinking, "but sis, it is literally just a jol, nothing deep". And I agree. However, I am at that point in life where I want something worth my time, stable, hosting dinner parties and whatever (really deep in the excuses as you can see).  I used to laugh at people that people that used to say 'ohh I want someone I can build with'. "What are you building ? We are literally just twenty-three years old ?" is what I'd always think. But maybe if I took building seriously I would be far in life. That said I don't know what I want still. 

Anyway, I have made all the excuses in the world. I am satisfied. MCM is gonna get a girlfriend and I am going to be bitter about it, and round and round we will go with other MCMs. I just wish I wasn't so scared and really good at psyching myself out of things I want to do. And I close with;

'I wouldn't know where to start,

      be still my foolish heart, 

          don't ruin this on me..."

Not that I am gonna start anything. Now that I have offloaded my fears in a somewhat eloquent manner, I feel lighter. And I can honestly say, "love and light". Love is a beautiful thing always, maybe it will come my way, maybe it won't, maybe I will sabotage the whole thing myself, maybe I won't. Tomorrow my birthday month begins, nothing special. Actually, I really love my birthday month, loads of amazing friends were born in March. It fills me with gratitude. Always reminding me what a joyride life has been this far. I will forever thank the universe and God for the blessings showered upon my life on the daily. Love and light xxx