Matters of the faith

Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh. My heart is full of nothing. Idleness is actually lonely, and boring...it seems time has just stood still. It is STILL Saturday. I had the prescribing exam on Friday, challenging, hopeful nonetheless. I have been off since Friday afternoon, and I have done everything. Everything! Groceries, the laundry, movies, finished the tattooist, joined the gym (smirks), listened to the minimalist podcast, I have bought more books, facetime'd an MCM...and still, we are still on Saturday. I skipped on the studying because I thought we could use a break this weekend, but I am this close to studying . I seriously need more friends and/or hobbies. Or are the days just longer?? 

I haven't told my housemate that I have joined the gym. It is like I am this person that lives in secret, I am not sure why I haven't and what it means about our relationship dynamic. I am just not a big talker(toxic). She is so lovely though, she took me to a church thing last Monday. It was interesting, I kept avoiding the 'ohh which church do you go to?' question. Because there is no church I go to at the moment. It was rather uncomfortable for my lapsed soul. I haven't fellowship in a long time, about a year and a half. At first it was because I moved to a different place in fourth year and I didn't know the area, let alone the local churches. Then I just loved Sundays mornings in bed. Then I slipped through, slowly. I am still slipping through. I am not sure I believe anymore. I mean I have some faith in a "God/Higher being", I love gospel music and "I thank God for most this amazing day" on most days. However...let me give a background first. I used to go to church up to four times a week, devoutly read the bible, spoke in tongues and tithed, the whole shebang. The old me would damn the new me to hell without a flinch. They are just two different people, on almost two ends of the spectrum religion wise.

 A blogger I follow, once said it is not my business to defend my religion/faith to anyone, I was moved by that then. However, I had encounters where I had to defend it. Sometimes it was just me thinking about it on my own, and I just couldn't put two and two together. I am so confused faith wise. I wanna stay lukewarm so I can stay in this state of not actively chrsitian'ing. Anything else feels forced. I know I will be spat out but it is fine (is it though?). I sometimes miss the fellowship of the saints, and the full hope that came with believing. I know this does not apply to all christians but it feels refreshing not to fear the rapture, or 'sow seeds' every now and then. My life could literally go #Jobvibes because of what I am saying on this post, but that will be that. On the flipside, it is also lovely to latch on to the comforting verses and hymns and to believe I have a Shepherd, without the commitment. I guess I am saying I believe differently now. I do not think it is a bad or good thing, it is just a thing. And next time I will politely decline invites to church stuff. It is going to be interesting when I am back home...what would I even do on Sunday? What must happen when I run into my church mates at Boiteko junction?

Anyway, The Tattooist of Auschwitz turned out to be an easy to read love story. It is a 6/10 for me. I feel for what the setting was it should have been more captivating, but it is very lovely and positive, maybe that was the author was going for.  Otherwise, most of the things remain unchanged, the days keep filing off, and I keep re-downloading my social media apps ohh but I have started adding garlic to my meals, that is something, a really good something. Anyway, love and light. And honestly, hold your faith near if it is keeping you alive, do not be derailed by this. xxx