Untitled #1

Courtesy of my grandmother.

Hello,

I should have probably titled this body issues, but I did not want to 'catfish' you guys. All the 'creative' titles that I thought of just seemed bleggh. I am watching Frankie and Grace, it is still underwhelming at this point. It is not as great as sex education, LOVED sex education. I was thinking earlier that maybe I want to have sex, I think maybe I just want a hug. Yeah, from a well meaning person that just cares. I think I miss my mum also. So weird…having feelings is just a curse. I probably would want have sex still. Anyway, I am on my day off, I actually really love working shifts. I feel like I get to do so much with my days, like functional but not to do with school, and still do the same amount of studying. 

Today has been a weird day, I ticked everything off my to do list (except studying), did a whole lot of impulsive shopping online (it’s fine, I have some returns pending), FaceTimed my best friend, and downloaded mindfulness apps and I am still out here like meh. Also I ran today, I am so proud of that. You see how even with the best laid plans your emotions can betray you? Anyway, hot off the press today is ’self love and body positivity’. Thank you twitter for the content. It was tweet about how a fellow tweep is/was struggling to love herself because of skin, hair and body. That is familiar territory right there…kinda got triggered. I was sad for a while after I saw the tweet. 

I honestly love myself, I think a lot of my friends can attest to that. I have a good, affirmative relationship with myself and most of the aspects that make me. I love my personality the most; when you exclude one or two things, I probably score a 9.5/10 (saying it with my chest). The problem then becomes the vessel that has been selected to carry this amazing soul. Not the big things like weight or acne…I am fine with those, I even think my face is kinda cute or whatever. You’d think that it would be enough. Sadly it isn’t, especially on days like these. Not that there is anything particularly wrong with today, except the horrible weather. First, I think my facial skin could be smoother and more even toned. I especially loathe the hyperpigmentation around my neck, pits and pubes (and I know its normal, still hate it though) and lastly just how hairy I am. And I have the ugliest feet of life, no joke. I think the photo of our feet together is cute though, it is probably not, I am sorry. The hair on my head just refuses to work with me, I don’t like wigs and braids are just tiring and afro maintenance is just a lot. I still love my afro though. See it's the small things that sometimes carry the heaviest weight. These few ‘bad’ things about myself make me so prone to spending so much money (and time and emotions) to try and ‘fix’ them. I blame youtube for that (and my impulsivity). 

I am not sure if I am expressing this right, but I feel almost ‘compelled’ to buy the 3 step skin care routine (which I probably should), or the kojic soap or the new in thing; to try and fix what is kinda sorta normal about an average human body. Most of the time it comes from a weird place within myself…like not from hate, not from love either. It probably stems from some weird feelings of inadequateness (yasss, it is a word). And it's not right. I know the beauty industry is exploiting me but still… I want to establish a healthy balance i.e 'okay get this because you love yourself & want to improve x,y,z (and you have the money to)' vs ‘screw the bank account and get this because who the hell has skin/hair like that?' It is just hard sometimes, I remember I had it real bad in third year, it got better.  I am noticing it start to creep back in. But also there is nothing wrong with wanting to ‘improve’ thyself, it just wish the motivations to do so also came from a good place. They do sometimes. 

Anybody who knew me way back when knows I was very timid and always self-conscious. Then, I did a whole 360 on that and I was the Maatla you know now,  more sure of myself, personality wise. I just wish the same for me in-terms of the physical aspects of my body. Maybe it will come. I am trying to love myself and better myself that is al really. s

Some days are good and some days are hard. I also don’t know why I am doing this blog and who my target audience is, so please stop asking me, but thanks for reading. Love and light x