let go of the shame

Hello, 

I really do feel like Carrie when I sit down or take a moment to write here. Anyway, happy fall. Happy happy fall! Here is to a cosy, cosy season. I don't have a coat, lol; I was not too fond of the coat I had last year and ended up giving it away, so now I am back to the drawing board(coatless and parka-less). Lesson: buy things you like, like more things. 

Anyway, I really struggle with shame, probably because I am a judgy person. Ohhh, I can judge!! Probably thanks to my mom. But yeah, I have/had so much shame about so many things...for example, when I was growing up, I was ashamed of where I was from, of my family's socioeconomic status, of my hyperpigmentation, of my handwriting (can you imagine??), of my accent, of the way my brain works or doesn't and of my exes (LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL who the hell do I think I am???). I was ashamed, ashamed gore most of my weekends were spent ko masimo, that my extended family is poor and has not made it very far with advanced education, just ashamed/embarrassed. I remember having a mini panic attack when I got engaged, and I was like, 'Oh no, he is gonna know them people and their dysfunction.'

Because of that or something related, I always try to live in non-shame-inducing environments (read flats or rooms ). I try to be as clean as possible or put together. Well, in terms of hair and wardrobe, you have to be non-eurocentric and not overconsumption-leaning to get it.. okay I am losing track of this thought.

All this is to say, my friend visited my new (filthy-ish apartment - it was clean this time), and I just let her and myself be. We talked about how expensive it is and how filthy my housemates are and how this isn't really where I thought I'd be and affording at 30...and we had my tea and my fruit and my water and used my could be cleaner shared bathroom and slept in my no storage non carpeted bedroom and the world didn't crash nor did I feel rejected. We had a heart-to-heart about our families and their struggles, and I was just there, happier and lighter. No shame. 

If I were still my young adult or teen self, I would have convinced myself not to host her, and I wouldn't have felt this way. Shame and fear of what not really robbed me of a lot of life's beauty and joy and those deep, meaningful interactions in the past and some still now... but my frontal lobe is raging against that. 

Here is to moving through life more lightly. x  

Unrelated photo :)